


Bullshit

by Hidden_Joy



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, But he really loves Philip, I mean like its still depressing?, Love, Lukas really hates himself, M/M, Quote fic, Sad, Self-Hatred, Sort of a happy ending I guess?, Suicidal Thoughts, This was based solely on that quote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 04:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9803333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidden_Joy/pseuds/Hidden_Joy
Summary: "'You can't love someone else until you love yourself.' Bullshit. I have never loved myself, but you? Oh god, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like."





	

Lukas has heard from every stupid inspirational, depression, or suicide prevention assembly at school that you're suppose to love yourself.

It's apparently a good thing. Being able to push past insecurities and teenage doubt and love yourself for who you are. But, Lukas has never been able to do that for himself.

Don't get him wrong, there are aspects of himself that he likes. He likes that he's good at motocross, and he does like the way he looks.

But, what does any of that really matter? Hating himself has always been second nature to Lukas, as sad as it sounds.

Maybe it was different when he was young, when his mother was around.

But, for as long as he can remember, Lukas has been a fraud. A fake, someone who didn't even know who he was, but knew it wasn't the person he pretended to be.

He wasn't _real_. Everything he said was calculated, thought out. That's why he spent so much time in silence. When he did say things, it was only to please others, make them like him, think he was normal.

Then Philip Shea had come and he had hated himself even more.

Not because of him, never because of Philip.

But because of the things Lukas did. At first he had hated that he kissed Philip, hated the things the boy made him feel. He couldn't be _gay_. And self-hatred had burrowed itself ever deeper.

And then came the hurt he caused, the lies he told. Deaths and betrayal and pain. And it was all his damn fault.

So, when people told him he should love himself, he didn't bat an eyelash. Nothing could make that happen.

What _did_ anger him was when people told him he couldn't love someone else until he loved himself. Because that was such _bullshit_.

He loved. God, he loved. Philip was the owner of his heart, despite how all the shit he'd put the other threw might prove otherwise. Lukas loved him so deeply and so truly, no matter how much he hated himself.

And sometimes, those terrible things he thought faded away when he was with Philip.

Sometimes, when he had Philip wrapped up in his arms, when they were kissing, or laying in the barn, or sometimes just when they were trying to study together, everything left his mind.

At times Lukas has thought about bringing his life to an end, but he thinks he must be insane to have ever thought that when he and Philip are together.

He forgets, for some time, how terrible he's been. The wrong things he's done, the pain and death he's caused.

He forgets that he still can't properly talk to his dad even though Bo claims to accept him. He forgets that sometimes the reason Philip cries is because he didn't tell anyone until it was too late, and Philip's mother was taken because of it. He forgets that he still can't kiss Philip or hold his hand openly in public as much as he'd liked too, despite kissing him at that party in Red Hook a few weeks ago.

It all goes away. Because loving Philip deserves to be focused on. No other thoughts should be allowed to punch through his head when he's with him.

Instead, Lukas should focus on the way Philip's curls fall over his eyes sometimes. The way his eyes brighten when Lukas says something to make him laugh. The way his face turns focused when he finds sometimes he wants to capture in a picture. The softness of his lips, the gentleness of his touch, and the sweetness of his smile.

Lukas loves him so much it hurts. Screw anyone who tries to tell him he _can't_ , just because sometimes he thinks Philip shouldn't feel the same about him. The hell does his own internal feelings about himself have to do with the amazing, beautiful boy that is Philip?

Nothing. Those people that tell him it does have clearly never hated themselves. Or been in love. Because both things are so strong in Lukas and it's fucking insulting when someone accuses him of not loving Philip with ever part of his soul.

Because he does. And if Philip's words and touches aren't enough to make Lukas believe he feels the same, then the way Philip tries to make that other part of him go away certainly is.

What Philip doesn't know is that he makes that part go away just by being him, the person Lukas can't live without. It's still there, of course, buried deep, like Lukas himself was for a while.

But, Philip makes him forget what it feels like to hate himself. Which, he does. But he also loves Philip more than words can describe and no one can tell him otherwise.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr at jonnorlandfill.
> 
> I don't own Eyewitness or anything you may recognize.
> 
> -HJ


End file.
